The Good Don’t Die

 

“I have competed well, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

2 Timothy 4:7

This summer tested everything that I am. On July 13th, I lost a classmate, a teammate, a lifeline, and one of my best friends. You see the news articles about young people dying and you don’t ever think that it’ll happen to someone you know. Until it does. It’s something you don’t understand the magnitude of until it happens in your own life. It is something that ultimately changes your life — forever. 

Grief is a cruel, unforgiving process. There’s no guide to it. There is no step-by-step plan to follow to get through it. It is a pain that demands to be felt in its entirety. There is no definite ending — only the hope that somewhere someday the pain will diminish even a little bit. Only the hope that you will someday find peace in something that has ripped your heart apart. It is feeling like the world is leaving you behind. It is countless nights spent staring at the ceiling and mornings wishing it was all a dream, and it is hugging everyone you know and exchanging no words, because there aren’t any words for that kind of pain.

I have days where I see the sun peaking through the clouds and I smile & know that she’s okay. I have days where I laugh and think about all of the good memories shared over the years. I have days where I’m so sure that God really does have a plan. And then I have days where I just don’t get it and I break. Days where I wonder, asking all of the “what if?” questions. Days where I think about the future and can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that she won’t be there for any of it. Days that seem to drag on with no ending and no sign of relief. 

I’ve asked the questions. But the truth is, I’ve realized that you won’t ever find all the answers you’re looking for. The answers to all of those questions will never quite be enough to make sense of the loss. 

Over the last two weeks, the phrase “the good die young” has been repeated over and over again. And it’s true — the best people seem to leave us the earliest. 

But I have to believe that the good don’t ever truly die. They leave so many pieces of themselves here with us that they are never really gone. Whether it be how to live passionately, how to love yourself, how to be strong, anything — these people instill values and lessons in us that cannot be unlearned: lessons and values that we can teach others the same way we were once taught.

I don’t know when or if this loss will ever feel real. Honestly, I don’t want it to feel real. I want to live each & every day feeling like she is still by my side. And although there are days where I just don’t understand how the sun can possibly come up and the world can turn without her, I have to believe somewhere deep down that the sun rises and the world turns now because of her. Because she truly made this world a better place. 

Abby, thank you for showing me the power of passion and how to laugh & smile through the hard times. Thank you for reminding me that life is meant to be lived without fear & to the absolute fullest. Thank you for showing me the value of friendship and for making home a better place to come back to. 

The lessons and values you have taught me are surely alive in my heart and in the hearts of so many others, too. Rest In Peace.

– J.E.H.